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June 15, 2006
Childfree Venting
OK, if you're easily offended by childfree rantings, steer clear. If you want to hear what has pissed me off this time, read on.
Quoth Prudie, "No one has parents who say, "I hope my child grows up to marry someone wonderful and they don't have children together.""
OMFG. You did not just say that. Damn straight you're "offending all happy childless people" you pretentious knowitall.
- You can't know that for sure.
- Last time I checked, the wishes of our parents were not requirements (good thing too or some folks I know would be pretty miserable)
- Quit motherfucking guilttripping us! ARGH!
Even if it were true, what parents should say, "I hope my child grows up to lead a happy and fulfilling life," or "I hope my child does what makes them feel fulfilled and is a productive member of society" or something. We are NOT our parents. What makes our parents happy does not automatically make us happy. Please note how much I freaking hate teaching while my Mom loves it. (Actually, I love teaching kids who want to learn, but that's something totally different. Frankly, I could never teach another day in my life and be happy.)
I really wish more people would get that through their thick skulls. "Success" in life is not something you measure with a checklist that reads "married, kids, grandkids." Okay? Whether someone has kids or not has no bearing on the awesomeness of their parents. (Well, okay, if a person who really shouldn't be reproducing does have a kid it might reflect poorly on their parents, but that's a separate rant.)
I really really wish that people would quit judging others based on how similar they are to the judger's personal template. Just because I'm heterosexual doesn't mean I want kids. Okay? And regardless of whether I want them or not, why is it everybody's goddamned business??? It's a personal decision, geez!
It's shit like this that makes me want to answer every person who asks when I'm going to have kids with a quivering lip and "I'd really *sniffle* rather not discuss it *stifled sob*" so they'll feel guilty. Sheesh.
What I actually wrote to her (after reading a column in which she talked about the backlash she got) was this:
Dear Ms. Yoffe,I read your column "My Mommy War" and wanted to answer your question "What is going on when there is so much scorn for parenthood—the way a society perpetuates itself?"
I think a lot of the "scorn" is defensive. Those of us who are childfree by choice are bombarded constantly by people telling us we are wrong, that we'll change our minds, that we're unnatural. People assume that just because I'm young (28) and female I must want kids. It's infuriating, but to lash out at a near-stranger who's just said "congrats on your engagement, when will you have kids?" is societally inappropriate. Repressing that irritation over and over again just makes it grow exponentially - and so we're a lot harsher on the rare occasions that we are societally permitted to vent our spleen.
The real reason, I think, that our birth rates are dropping around the world is that so many people are highly educated. There is a known correlation between level of education and number of children - the more academic you are, the less likely you are to have kids. Sure, there are exceptions, but when you see a happy momma with six kids, she's rarely a PhD.
I think the root of this correlation is that education teaches us to examine our choices carefully and consider their ramifications - and if you're not a naturally maternal gal (which I'm not), raising a child looks like a life sentence to unhappiness. The people I know with young kids frequently look miserable. They're tired, overworked, bombarded with noise, covered in icky substances... bleah. Sure, there are those Hallmark moments, but if (like me) you're not much for cutsey stuff, that's not all that appealing. And then once the kid gets older, you have to worry about grades, keep them safe, navigate their teenaged years... and even when they're adults you're never truly free of them!
Children aren't like puppies where you can take them to an adoption agency some time down the road if they're not working out. You can't take them back for a refund. Once you have a kid you're stuck - and if you genuinely are unhappy, there's no way out. And, worse, being a resentful parent is incredibly hard on the child! I have chosen not to have kids because I am about 80% sure I won't like being a mother - and I'm not willing to bet on that 20% chance that I will because if I lose, both the child and I will be utterly miserable. I wouldn't do that to a defenceless child.
Anyway, I'm sorry you got berated for what was, really, a fairly low-key pro-breeding comment. I just wanted to drop you a line and try to explain where we're coming from.
Cheers,
Ealasaid Haas
PS: if you don't believe me that some parents genuinely regret having kids, check out these PostSecret cards:
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/trick.jpg
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/suppress.jpg
And if you don't know about PostSecret, go to http://postsecret.blogspot.com , it's the truest look at humanity you will ever see.
File under: Rantings
Posted by Ealasaid at June 15, 2006 02:10 PM
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Comments
That site is amazing! And kudos on your letter.
Posted by: Heather at June 15, 2006 05:48 PM
The site is an eye opener. I book marked it. The site really does give a different perspective of people. Thanks for pointing it out.
Posted by: Asher at June 16, 2006 03:06 AM
lol* ok ok, we get it you don't want kids. but... let me address a couple of things
1. you are into cutesy stuff, you torture me with it when ever you are with twon.
2. you are highly responsible, thusly would mostly like not feel burdened if such a thing happened to you (of course this is just my observations, i would never try to tell you how you feel).
3. if you and twon ever did want kids, they would be the most fucking brilliant chrildren in the world! like nobel prize cous! lol* seriously just so you know and not to presure at all; you would make an awsome parent. this is not a command, or someway trying to make you feel guilty for not reproducing, i'm simply saying saying you would make a great parent, kinda like saying you'd make a great president of the US. lol*
Posted by: keith at June 16, 2006 07:00 AM
Heather - thanks!
Asher - glad you dug it.
Keith - isn't it interesting how your immediate response is to point out reasons I should have children? Do you point out reasons why people shouldn't have kids when they say they're going to? I'm not being mean here, I just find it amusing. Scads of people do that to me. "I totally get that you don't want kids, but..."
Glad you think so highly of me, though.
Posted by: Ealasaid at June 16, 2006 10:14 AM
I just want to say, (out of my love for what was once Dear Prudence) this is the NOT the "real" Prudie. This is the new Prudie. I hate the new Prudie, for more reasons than this.
I adored the old Prudie... I may have cried when she left.
Posted by: Jennifer at June 16, 2006 05:49 PM
As far as acquaintances are concerned, "I'd rather not discuss such a private matter" should do it. But family and friends are different.
For many people I kick this around as a theorical debate. What does it mean to not want to have kids? What does family mean to my friends? How are we going to feel about these choices in 20 years? I have cross this line a couple of times, but my friends know I like to debate things.
If someone who was not one of my closest friends asked me this question, I would tell them to "Fuck the hell off!" It is true that it is none of their business. A good "Who are you to ask me that?" also works pretty well. I find no guilt into listening to someone I do not know talk about how great children.
When it comes to family, I think I would have to clue them into to why. I think people need to give family room to debate the issue with them. Assuming they love you they want to know who you are, this is a big part of who you are. To know who you are, they need to know something about the way you make desicions. Even if we go away disagreeing, at least the have some idea how I see the world.
That being said, I would limit the number of times this conversation can be held. If the same person brings it up more that three times, that is when I would to shut them down. There is a difference between showing they care and nagging.
I know that my father values his family more than anything else in the world. I know that he would like me too have the same joy that he has had. He does not push me, but he worries about me. He has a stake in the way I live my life, even if it is up to me to live it in the end.
PS: if you don't believe me that some parents genuinely regret having kids, check out these PostSecret cards:
These same people might also regret not having kids. Lots of people have no idea how to live their lives.
PPS: I do think it is odd that the smartest people I know are the ones that do not want to have kids. I have not figured this one out yet.
Posted by: Rich at June 18, 2006 03:53 PM
Rich -
Yeah, a theoretical debate I guess I can get behind. THe issue I see is that it seems like it's only NOT having kids that gets debated, not deciding to have kids. I mean, if someone says "we're having a kid!" nobody says, "well, you'll regret that later" or any of the things we CFers hear all the time.
I agree that there are no doubt folks who regret not having kids. But I personally think that's better than regretting having had kids. I mean, if you don't have 'em and you regret it, the only thing hurt is you (and maybe the folks who are rooting for you to have a kid). But if you DO and you regret it, it not only messes up your life massively but ruins the kid's life too.
Me, I see having or not having kids as analagous to becoming or not becoming a doctor, lawyer, politician, military officer, or other massively life-changing profession. I don't see why it's such a matter for debate. Yes, we need parents like we need doctors, etc. But not everyone is cut out for it, yanno?
As to why so many smart people aren't having kids, like I said in the post, education teaches us to examine our choices carefully and consider their ramifications. The smarter you are, the more likely you are to consider the childbearing question from a logical rather than a hormonal/emotional point of view... and the more rationally you look at bearing kids the less likely you are to do it, I suspect, unless you're a naturally maternal/paternal person.
Posted by: Ealasaid at June 19, 2006 12:17 PM
Ealasaid:
To get back to her point, we have to communite with our families about our lives. They do not get to chose what we do, but we need to include them on what we decide. I think that is one of the points of the first column.
Just remember this just comes from my experence. Smart people are no better at figuring out what will make them happy or their lives meaningful.
I disagree about more educated people are better at making choices. I see them do lots of things that make them and others unhappy. They think up more reasons to back up the choices they make after the make them. I fall under this category all the time.
BTW, I do not put smart people and more educated in the same category. I know are lots of people who are in one bucket or the other.
Posted by: Rich at June 19, 2006 04:35 PM
To get back to her point, we have to communite with our families about our lives. They do not get to chose what we do, but we need to include them on what we decide.
At the risk of pissing off those of my family who read this, no, we don't.
It's nice to include family in our life decisions, but it sure isn't necessary. It's helpful for creating a good relationship... in some cases. Not in all cases. For example, I wouldn't counsel a friend to tell her family she's bisexual if they wouldn't take it well. I would counsel her to tell them only if she found a woman to settle down with long term.
I think that is one of the points of the first column.
Hm... I got the attitude more that Prudie thought the writer should listen to her parents and family because they know her so well and know what's best.
Just remember this just comes from my experence. Smart people are no better at figuring out what will make them happy or their lives meaningful.
I didn't mean to say that was the case. I meant that frequently educated people make important decisions based on rational thought rather than emotion. Now that I consider it further, it occurs to me that you're right, smart folks do sometimes make emotional decisions and rationalize them after the fact. I have done that with having kids; personally, I find infants and small children to be largely repulsive; therefore I do not want kids. I have, however, come up with a boatload of rational reasons not to have kids and only a handful of rational reasons to have kids. So, it's a rational decision - it's not like I went "ew, kids!" and went out and got my tubes tied.
BTW, I do not put smart people and more educated in the same category. I know are lots of people who are in one bucket or the other.
Yeah, that's a good point. I shouldn't conflate the two. Lots of smart people are well-educated, but I know smart people with little education and well-educated people who aren't that bright.
Posted by: Ealasaid at June 21, 2006 01:41 PM
Graphics from works 