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January 30, 2007
Mawwage
This post and discussion over at Hugo's got me thinking.
I'm a feminist.
I'm about to get married.
What the fuck?
On its surface, marriage doesn't have a lot to recommend it. It binds two people together in such a way that it is hard to extricate them should the relationship go sour. It causes many people to view the woman as "owned" by the man. Often, women get the short end of the stick in marriage - they're expected to look after the house, raise the kids, and make sure the guy takes good care of himself (goes to the doctor, eats right, etc).
Well, here's the thing: I am an idealist.
Marriage in and of itself is not terrible. If you take away all the cultural bullshit and just look at the legalities, it has a number of benefits: it simplifies taxes (woo, married filing jointly!) and can even save you money on them, makes your spouse your immediate next of kin for legal purposes (medical decisions, etc) which would otherwise be left to family, lets you cover each other with medical benefits, and so on.
The rest is cultural bullshit. Seriously. The fiancé and I are defining our marriage the way we want it, and everyone else can kiss our joint ass. We are equal partners, we split things up according to our skills, we can discuss things like rational adults, and we don't fight because a harmonious and honest partnership is more important to us than "winning" or whatever it is that motivates people who supposedly are in love to scream at each other.
What other people think we should do is unimportant. Sure, it places a mild stress on us - the same way I often feel a bit nervous about how clean our home is or isn't because I've internalized societal pressure about that. But that's mild stuff I want to overcome anyway, so ... yeah. Bring it on.
I don't really have a spiffy conclusion to go here except to say this: marriage isn't for everybody, but to pretend that it has nothing to recommend it is bullshit - if it didn't, why would gay marriage be an issue? Marriage confers a lot of legal rights and conveniences we don't really consider until we need them. Marriage is useful. It is a legal and financial agreement which does not limit or define your relationship unless you let it.
File under: Musings
Posted by Ealasaid at January 30, 2007 01:29 PM
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Comments
He doesn't mention: it's said that more men have extra-marital affairs than women. If a divorce is caused by the guy having an affair, it stands to reason that the guy is more likely to remarry than the ex-wife. Might be fun to collect info on WHY the now-unmarried women got divorced.
Posted by: AM at January 30, 2007 03:50 PM
AM - that is an excellent point!
Posted by: Ealasaid at January 30, 2007 04:36 PM
Define your marriage however you want and if anyone judges you send them my way and I'll kick their ass. "Traditional" marriage is not for everyone and if people can't accept that then they're wasting oxygen. Sheesh, I support you and I admire your views (agreeing with you 99% of the time) and I am a "traditional" wife - staying home and taking care of the baby, keeping my house clean, cooking, etc... But that's the kind of life that I want to have, I didn't choose this because anyone told me to. I think you and Antwon have a great relationship and I love seeing you happy and fulfilled in your life. Don't forget though, once you're married half of everything he owns is yours so if you want to go for a joyride in that car of his no one can stop you!! *evil laugh*
Posted by: Noe at January 31, 2007 10:33 AM
i have to say that your marriage is what you make of it. don't let anyone try to tell you what to think or do, or what your marriage stands for. It's completely up to you.
Posted by: keith at January 31, 2007 11:48 AM
On reason that divorced men remarry more often than women might be that they are perfectly capable after 40 to start a new family. I know many men who start their first family in their mid forties and in a second marriage. Well, for divorced women over 40, the biological clock is not only ticking, it almost runs out of battery. I am 47, divorced, have two adult kids. Would I like to have another baby? I rather have a root canal. Did some of my same age dates just not work out because they wanted to find a girlfriend who wants to breed babies with them? Oh yes, reason number one to not be the chosen one. Well, you see, this limits the candidates who are interested in taking me to Vegas decisively - not that I want to go there anyway. What is left for me are the younger men who are not thinking yet of having a family but appreciate independent women and the ones much older than me who need a nurse.
Hmm, well, ya know which pool has the better chances to spend a Valentine with me :-) Let the good times roll.
Posted by: Munichmaedchen at January 31, 2007 10:23 PM
I have nothing against people getting married, or what form they wish for it to take. And despite how it turned out, I don't regret getting married myself.
But as a libertarian, I don't think government ought to get involved in promoting a specific social institution over any other one. Marriage isn't for everybody, so why create legal and financial incentives for it? That just creates marriages among people shouldn't be getting married.
As for the reason why divorced men remarry more often than divorced women, I'm with Silvia.
Posted by: fling93 at February 1, 2007 02:47 PM
Graphics from works 